Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
