Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
