omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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