I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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