My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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