I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
