so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
