I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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