I want to stick my p in your. b.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
