so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
