my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
