I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
