Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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