What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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