worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
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I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
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He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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