This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
