I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
