I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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