This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
