So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
