i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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