sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm at about main and main street
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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