Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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