the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
