I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
