you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
