its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
