Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
