Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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