ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
