ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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