You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
