my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
