The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
