She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So much Jack, so little girl.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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