...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
