Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He felt like a one man threesome
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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