You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
there is glitter all over my balls
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