How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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