Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
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and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
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Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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