Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You are a genius and a whore.
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