P.S. I can't hear my feet
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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