i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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