Farmville is her only friend.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
