Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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