Whatcha textin bout Willis?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
