So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
