he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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