This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
