Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
