Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Dicks are not precious.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
