I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
