Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
