Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
