My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
