I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
