Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
