I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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