She is in my trunk
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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