In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
